


Haze

by Vicious



Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types
Genre: Awkward Conversations, Internal Monologue, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-16
Updated: 2013-07-16
Packaged: 2017-12-20 09:55:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,853
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/885880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vicious/pseuds/Vicious
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Once upon a summer night, Fenris had made a mistake - there is no going back, he can only come to terms with it and try to forget.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Haze

**Author's Note:**

> [Obligatory 'The Author is crap paragraph'] This is my first foray into fandom since wild teenage years and the only story I've ever finished (honestly! My hard drive is full of lengthy abandoned works which will never ever be seen because they are terrifying). Decided to polish my English and this came to being because I've recently replaying been Dragon Age to death. If you spot any jarring mistakes (beta? Who needs 'em, right?) let me know so I can break my fingers in apology.

Wine provided relief, an escape from heavy thoughts whirling in his mind during hot and suffocating Kirkwall nights. It made memories of being an ideal pet bodyguard of a sadistic mage get foggier and grow distant for a few hours. On such nights, there had been an illusion of having power over his life, a permission to make mistakes and let go of the past. This night it didn’t work. 

Fenris sank deeper into his shabby armchair with a bottle of Tevinter’s finest wine - usually, after drinking half of it, he had started to feel less strained and anxious. This wasn’t the night and it had been all his bloody mistake, all the alcohol in the world wouldn’t erase that. He willingly had given away the fleeting power he sometimes felt during his evenings spent alone mulling over the adventures and mishaps that had happened the previous day. Working with Hawke and his band of accomplices? … friends? … lunatics? (Fenris snorted) had been oddly liberating as it was his decision to do so. Living in Danarius’ derelict mansion had a similar effect of perverse satisfaction and a thought that if he had taken over the house of his previous master he could do everything. Now, he thrown it all away. Into the hands of a mage nonetheless. What an utter foolish cretin was he!? 

It had all started innocently, okay maybe not the right word considering that he saved the useless Abomination from being killed by a band of merchants. One of the templars had gotten a bit too excited with the idea of catching a renegade mage and hired a bunch of local lowlifes to sort the mess for him. He hadn’t counted on his crooks being ambushed by Fenris and Isabella (sent on an errand by Hawke of course), they still managed to get Anders bloodied, swaying from exhaustion like a drunken sailor. The mage had grudgingly thanked them during a long winded rant about how defending his clinic had been his responsibility. Isabella being herself had suggested multiply vulgar methods in which the healer could have thanked her to which Anders just laughed and proposed buying them a few pints at the Hanged Man in response.

To be honest, Fenris had only gone there because he had thought Hawke would appear and felt relaxed when subjected to his cheerful persona. Only that he hadn’t been there, nor was Isabella - they probably had planned for him to run into the lone blond mage and giggled with glee hidden somewhere in Hawke’s mansion. Fenris had wanted to walk out and get drunk in the peace of his crumbling abode however, Anders declared that ‘surely, reasonable adults could spend ONE evening without wanting to poke each other’s eyes out’ - it had been a challenge and the elf hated being called out. They had stayed. And had awkwardly stared at the table while drinking the vilest brew in Kirkwall. And had argued over something absolutely mundane. Then, in the end, after few hours in one’s company, they had talked. Random gossip about random happenings in town - if Varric had been there he would have declared a city-wide celebration of their new found ability to hold an actual conversation.

Over the following weeks they had stumbled into each other a few times, again managing not to cause any disruption or bodily damage. Fenris noticed that he had been looking forward to their little meetings and damn him if he admitted it to himself - Hawke and Isabella had been fooling around together, Varric was busy with his newest book, Sebastian was helping out with a charity event and Merril was Maker knows where, not that he had ever wanted to know. Maybe he had been desperate for simple human contact after spending so many years on the run or just plainly bored with the dullness associated with summers in Kirkwall. Whatever the reason, he would not forget himself for this slip up - he had been trained to refrain from giving into his whims, so very disciplined as a slave and still the same when free. His temper and anger boiling within him did not serve good excuses nor did the alcohol as that night … that night... There he went again, going over this again while he had wanted to absolutely forget it and move on. 

IT had happened two weeks ago on one of those cooler summer nights where people dared to venture out of their shelters. Hanged Man had been packed, full of happy boozed up people without a care in the world. Somehow Anders’ clinic hadn’t had an influx of patients (miraculous lack of heat strokes!) and he was less tired, words spilling out of his mouth while he recounted a heartwarming tale of Lowtown orphans taking care of abandoned kittens. Fenris had remained unmoved and listened to the story with eyebrows raised incredulously - who the fuck cared about starved animals when everyone else dropped dead regularly, might as well be the Abomination. He didn’t remember much of the mage’s one sided monologue, only that after few hours one group had started a fight and somehow both of them ended in the middle of it. Tables had been overthrown, cutlery flew above their heads and few idiots wrestled on the bar while staff despaired. Everyone had been kicked out, the bar closed. The night had been colder and going outside proved to be a relief, the wind was gently blowing from the direction of the docks, unfortunately accompanied by a subtle stench of fish. Fenris hated them. There had been no point in hanging around longer so he turned in the direction of Hightown and began to walk, surprisingly Anders strolled after him, silent for once. 

“Why are you following me Mage?” - Fenris remembered asking in a low dangerous voice without turning to face his unplanned companion. 

“Don’t you think it’s a lovely night? Well, it’s a lovely night! Don’t remember you owning the streets.” - despite the hostility of words Anders had voiced it sounding oddly happy. After a few moments, the healer had started humming. Humming. Fenris had growled and quickened his pace. When they had finally arrived at his door he intended to slam it in the mage’s face and celebrate it by drinking some more. Needless to say it hadn’t worked out because what did ever go according to the plan in his life? Anders clearly hadn’t cared that he was invading the house of his mortal enemy and just slipped inside like it was the natural course of action. 

“What do you think you are doing Abomination?” - this time Fenris had the other man a scorching look, the one which should have made him cower in fear. Anders hadn’t, he just stared back and seemed a bit shaken.

“I … I just … this is awkward. I guess, I didn’t want to be alone.” - the mage had shrugged under Fenris’ disapproving glare and continued - “Everyone is busy living actual life, while my miserable self is stuck underneath the city with only patients as company. Five puking kids are not whom I consider brilliant talkers.” - Anders had explained sheepishly.

“You still have your demon.” - this had earned the elf a response of a let down ‘oh’ and a quiet ‘he’s not pleased with me these days.’ He had probably found the perfect method of making his unwanted guest leave, so why had he told him not to go when Anders had suggested it? He had been mental, definitely not sane, not thinking straight. One would think that after that they would have spent the night fighting until they exhausted ways of hurting each other. They would be wrong, unless it was Isabella with her ideas on hatred actually being pent up sexual desire. No, there had been no unresolved erotic tension between them, no fiery looks full of longing and finally no will to harm the other one in an altogether different way. Though, Fenris could not have denied that they ended up in bed. Together. He hadn’t remembered who started it, who tugged on whose sleeve or who leaned in for a kiss. Despite both of them being temperamental, their encounter had been awkward instead of passionate as it should been if they lived in a trashy romance novel (Fenris sometimes read those to practice reading and they were hilarious when tipsy). Anders had kept babbling nonsense, probably to calm himself while he stayed vigilant and tense - none of them had known how to please the other (probably the foolish mage had mastered it better than him judging from Isabella’s tales and his bragging), they couldn’t relax or get comfortable. Still, they had sex. Without any reason or planning beforehand. It was infuriating. Somehow they had fallen asleep and despite Fenris not trusting his bedmate and the healer being nervous and weary after they had finished. 

The world hadn’t ended and the morning arrived as scheduled. The elf had woken up with a human wrapped up around him in a sweaty tangle of limbs. Abomination’s long hair had been poking his eye and tickling his cheek, that had successfully brought him back to reality and frustration begun stirring somewhere inside him. He definitely should not have allowed the mage to sleep there, an idiotic mistake. Correction could have been easily achieved, he had shaken Anders’ shoulder, who looked up at him blearily and smiled. Smiled like he hadn’t just slept with someone he hated and been forced awake by a furious warrior that could have ripped his heart out. “Hi.” - ‘hi’, the abomination had said ‘hi’, what a glorious day that had been. Fenris had scowled just wanting to sort that out and forget that night had ever happened, not being a morning person or a pleasant one he just uttered one word. “Out.” - that should have done it. It hadn’t. The mage still had smiled stupidly and waited for something or the other not paying attention to his anger. “Make yourself sparse Mage and do not mention this night ever again.” - nothing. Ander’s just had blinked sleep away slowly, still waking up and under some cheery delusion, nothing was getting through his demon infested skull. “Go away. I’m certain someone needs saving, do you have nothing better to do than linger in MY bed and MY house?” - the elf had to grow progressively more fristrated with his companion but in the end the thick Abomination had noticed and a hurt expression appeared on his face. “Oh. Okay.” - Anders had spring up from the bed quite suddenly and gathered his clothes. 

“What the hell is your problem now, Mage?” - he had asked not bothering to move or not really caring what had caused this over emotional reaction.

“There was never a problem! Just don’t pay attention to little old me. I’ll remove my evil mage presence from your life and quit trying to disrupt it.” - Anders had continued moving around franticly and putting on his garments while he had looked on feeling sick and exhausted despite a good (never would have expected it) night’s sleep. “I don’t have time for your hysterical nonsense. Go bother someone who cares.” - the blond man had laughed after hearing this, but it sounded bitter and hopeless, for whatever reason it had bothered Fenris but admitting it would have only made this farce longer. “Good to know. I’m only ever good for one thing.” - the mage had said. “Certainly not keeping your mouth shut.” - he had muttered back and ignored the loud sound of the door slamming behind Anders. He had felt oddly empty.

And now there he was, trying to erase the memories with wine, only digging himself deeper and deeper. This shouldn’t have bothered him, shouldn’t have left a bitter taste on his tongue and shouldn’t made him want to go back and fix this. After all, what had been there to fix? Not that he could have stopped his past self from indulging in mindless desire. He forgot himself, something made his discipline crack and that made him give up on the power he had over himself. Maybe that had been the destiny of all Tevinter slaves - they were so destroyed that they fell into the arms of yet another master time and time again. He did just that. Literally. If he wouldn’t have cared or had been a normal elf without an abusive past, he was certain he would have just called it a one night stand and stop analyzing it. He couldn’t. The wine bottle had been long abandoned while he remembered yet again wondering how he could have kept lying to himself. He actually had liked spending time with the mage and was looking forward to seeing him, a high point in his day when not running after Hawke and dodging monstrous spiders. On the night they had slept together - yes, he had wanted it not knowing that he was able to desire someone again without the implications of total submission. Especially another mage. Then he had pushed Anders away because he had never wanted someone to use this against him. Accepting this utter madness meant dealing with it and risking being hurt or hurting someone else. Fenris hadn’t learnt how to deal with himself yet not to mention others. That is why he had been holed up in his mansion for two weeks avoiding everyone. He knew the healer would not brag around that he had sex with him, but he wanted peace of mind. That had not been granted to him. 

Few moments later he heard knocking coming from the doorway, never mind it hadn’t had a door nor the mansion had proper locks downstairs. Fenris turned around expecting Hawke who wanted to drag him out to socialise and give him a talk about how keeping everything inside is remarkably unhealthy. With his luck, it was Anders who this time looked rather collected and not in danger of exposing emotions. “Does Hawke miss me already?” - without a doubt it was their leader that sent the healer to check up on him. 

“He really wants to know the reason behind your prolonged disappearance. Wild tales of you becoming a bounty hunter just don’t cut it anymore. ” - the mage didn’t move, just stood there as if waiting for his reaction. Fine, he would react if it pleased his intruder who probably had come here to see that this had all gotten to him, that in fact beneath his facade he had been weak. Fenris gritted his teeth and took a deep breath trying to calm himself, didn’t want to give the Abomination the satisfaction of witnessing his nervous breakdown. “Why are you here then?” - maybe Hawke’s constant curiousness had really been the reason. 

“We need to talk.” - replied Anders and as it had always been with him, continued talking, probably to cover his uncertainity, hypothetically he could exploit this - “However, and I’m sure you want to know how your friends are doing -- not that you abandoned them without a word making them super paranoid -- I did visit Hawke and coincidently I asked about you, Isabella -- well, it’s funny how he stares at her like a lovesick puppy, isn’t it? -- asked if I was in trouble and you were after my heart -- ha, ha funny, right? -- after they finished laughing their bloody arses off they decided to sent me after you. Planned to postpone … this conversation … thing. But. Here I am.” - the mage finally finished rambling and looked at him expectantly as if he had an answer to the question the other man had yet to ask. 

“Is there anything we need to talk about?” - Fenris stood from his chair where he had spent most of the evening doing what Varric had described once as brooding. Of course this talk had been unavoidable but that didn’t mean he was ready for it. It wasn’t really fair to Anders though he had never been known for being fair or honest (sometimes maybe blunt, rude and straight to the point). “I vaguely do remember asking you to not mention this mishap few weeks ago.” - with this said he could only hope to ignore the subject longer.

“Mishap? That is what you call it? A mishap?” - asked Anders with sheer incredulity, who lost his calm expression however false it had been, and made a wild gesture with his hand in the elf’s direction. - “That is good to know. Apparently, I’m only good for fucking. Okay.” - to this Fenris could only cringe while not fully believing the mage said it. He was the last person who could have thought like this about anyone. 

“That’s not what I meant, do not make this into anything more. It was only one night. That’s it.” - he almost added ‘a mistake that wouldn’t be repeated’ but held his tongue. He would not be accused of subjugating someone in his own home in ways he would rather forget himself.

“Right, not like you had the decency to inform me or didn’t kick me out after insulting me!” - Anders continued and Fenris could believe for one second that he really was hurt. This topic should have been closed, if the mage wanted to drag it out now because his ego had been stabbed than okay he would play his game while ignoring the fleeting thought that the blond human might have really cared. 

“How in Andraste’s name should I have told you this? ‘Good evening mage, tonight we shall have sex. Please remember it’s a one night offer.’” - he replied to Anders’ comment however owing him an answer had been bizarre in his opinion. Should he have smiled brightly without care like the blond human had done? Thank him for showing him exquisite pleasures of contact with another being? That thought awoken the previously subsided anger that had been dulled with wine. Danarius had made him grateful for what he did to him, made him beg for it. Memories of this had been long buried and not unearthened, made him clench his fists. While he was battling with forcing the rage down, Anders went pretty pale and looked down on the dirty floor he couldn’t have been bothered to clean.

“Wow, so, that was my mistake? I was wrong then? Okay, can work with that I guess... Here I thought that you were being a stubborn git but well... sorry then.” - the healer said sounding remorseful and Fenris felt a bit lost, still angry, but not knowing what was he being accused of or pardoned. 

“Mage, tell me what are you nattering about, I’m losing my patience.” - a reasonable request but the human before him had been anything but reasonable and actually looked pretty devastated.

“I apologize, really, sorry, a misunderstanding I guess. You know, I thought you well, wanted something more and then suddenly wham went on a ‘let’s throw a mage out of the door!’ crusade” - Anders answered sounding embarrassed, certainly not with himself after all he had been known for his foolhardy confidence. Fenris interrupted him with a ‘where did you get that from!?’ because he had never considered a lasting sexual relationship with anyone especially not a mage or this particular one. Nevertheless he got his answer from his visitor - “It’s just... thought you enjoyed our outings -- for one, I did, maybe too much and as you see it clouded my judgement. We’re constantly at each other’s throats and we’ll never agree on the ‘not all magic is evil and corrupting’ and ‘slavery is worst than the Blight’ front, but I had this naive notion that we might just try to move on from it. I guess not. Or you simply don’t like me. Not your fault I went a bit crazy on you, just that I had heard that before -- you know at the circle from the people in charge with protecting us --, I’m a good fuck and nothing else. So yeah, that’s it.” - to Fenris, Anders’ confession was brave especially considering that the elf could overpower him at any given moment (or so he would like to think) or could use that against him one day - secrets had been the most deadly weapon. On the other hand, Fenris had been contemplating just this until Anders’ had arrived - had he given into another mage, jumped head first into a situation he supposedly felt comfortable with deep down? For the healer it had been being a toy to be used as the Templars wished - had he thought that Fenris done the same thing purely because he hated magic? One thing he was sure of - he hated false statements like these. 

“I would never manipulate someone like this, not even you.” - Fenris proclaimed and wondered if he should continue this train of thought, after all words held power could be used to control him. - “I had a good time during our … meetings as well.” - he finished and Anders let out a breath which he apparently had been holding and looked at him uncertainly.

“Maker, we’re such a mess.” - the mage said making him smirk despite still being angry. “Don’t you smirk at me. If you actually came to the Hanged Man out of your free will not because Isabella bribed you with slavers’ hearts, were you just being a prick?” - Anders asked and his smirk went away. Was he? It’s not that he studied proper responses for morning afters, never had to. Should he apologise? That hadn’t been his area of expertise. 

“I am sorry for what it’s worth.” - he said and uncoiled his fists starting, his anger disappearing slowly and the odd argument winding down. “Are we finished?” - Fenris didn’t know what to make of all this and needed few days to recuperate and collect his thoughts - everything would change from now on.

“No.” - Anders answered and relaxed a bit himself while it could have not been said for the elf. “Look, I know you’ll just knock me out and mock me till another Blight comes, but I won’t forgive myself if I won’t ask. Were … are you looking for something more? With me?” - the mage asked and when he did Fenris knew he didn’t have the answer. How would he know? What did that even mean? Anders wanted a repeat of the fated night? Continue their routine of spending their free evenings together? Wished for Fenris to cling to him every second like Isabella and Hawke did to each other? 

“What do you mean by this?” - the elf peered suspiciously at Anders in search for answers who himself looked a bit puzzled that someone might not understand the idea. 

“Er, well, a relationship?” - not that the mage told him the specifics of such relationship and the only example he had were his friends who had been the best players at this game. He hadn’t been seeing Donnic and Aveline together much - they both had overlapping schedules and separated themselves from the outside world on a day off. Hawke and Isabella were even worse - no one had been certain of the nature of their partnership - they fooled around, acted as a newlywed couple and followed each other with a gaze full of desire while at the same time neither of them minded sleeping with other people. And they openly gossiped about their lovers comparing notes. Fenris himself had been a slave, healthiest relationship of them all. Did he want something like this? His only goal had been freedom for so long and mingling with someone ment dragging a burden, being enslaved in a different way. On top of that there was Justice just lurking around the corner. 

“You’re a possessed mage.” - his claim despite being true made the familiar hurt look appear on Anders’ face, but he responded only with a quiet ‘yes, I know’ and a resigned head shake, a few strands of his hair escaped his short ponytail and Fenris wanted to stroke them away from his face. “I never had anything resembling a normal relationship and would not even know how to begin. There’s too many differences between us and there is no point in getting into something which will fail.” - the elf admitted the absolute truth, even if it was harsh and he wished it wasn’t so. Did he? It didn’t matter, he would not allow someone to get past his barriers, dissect him and then throw him away while he would be left to pick up the pieces.

“Call me a naive idealist who believes in the grand childish tale of true romance, but why not try? Yeah we’re both fucked up and hell I know I haven’t won the title of the nicest, most harmless mage in Kirkwall, but we can give it a shot. We might fail but it’s better than to regret, right? I’m the worst at this regretting business so I’d like to avoid that. You can use me as an amusing anecdote for your later partners slash flings slash whatever you prefer. Um. Yeah. I’m bollocks at this. If that’s you want that is, if not, I’ll evaporate and you’ll never see me again. Unless we’re working together.” - Anders might have just made the worst, most awkward sounding offer ever and Fenris was sure that Varric would pay them to use this in one of his books. Their friendly dwarf could also play with the healer’s description - he was a sight to see - his emotions during this short conversation (even if it had lasted for hours in Fenris’ head) had changed multiple times and he continued to fidget no matter what he said. The elf mostly utilised one, single disapproving expression trying to seem as the only sane, unmoved and rational person in this room. He was neither.

“I do not know what I want, how can I answer this if I don’t know what you expect of me.” - despite proclaiming this in a stable tone laced with a bit of frustration which had been his speciality, he felt lost with no idea what to do. Anders studied him and probably wondered how to word his explanation, he never had a problem with words - just let them all out no matter how inane.

“I don’t expect anything at all!” - the mage provided his answer which wasn’t helpful. - “Right, let’s try something more basic, relationships are usually a giant clusterfuck of misunderstandings and they’re a pain in the arse to figure out. Do you want me? A tiny bit at least?” 

“A tiny bit of you?” - Fenris asked with a raised eyebrow and Anders scoffed out a ‘you know what I mean’ - “In what way do you mean? Nevermind, I’ll answer you in a way I’m able or we’ll be getting nowhere. I do not know if I want to be with you on a more permanent basis because I don’t know what that means. I confessed that I liked our meetings, so I’d like to continue and I’m sure you noticed I wasn’t dissatisfied with our … endeavour. That is your answer, make of that what you will.” - he didn’t give a proper response or a coherent one backed up with arguments however the other man still smiled, he decided he rather liked that smile.

“We can deal with this, I’m sure. It’s not a giant leap forward, it doesn’t have to be anything, as far as I am concerned you can go on a million dates with responsible non-mages tomorrow. We’ll figure it out as we go.” - the healer’s answer made a mysterious heaviness disappear from his chest, the one he had been trying to drown with wine this evening, he nodded his head in approval and uttered a short ‘good’ - “But Fenris, ‘you weren’t dissatisfied’, who says it after a bloody marvelous shag?”

“It wasn’t a ‘bloody marvelous shag’, more of an ‘awkward fumbling’. Your ego is getting out of hand.” - yet once again, after he said it defensively (not that he had to defend his opinion), Anders’ face betrayed what he was feeling - his eyes shined a bit too brightly and he looked a bit too mischievous for the elf’s tastes. His next words just confirmed it.

“Want to sample the goods again? I believe your review lacks believable arguments and it needs to be revised.” - this night was just getting more and more unbelievable.

“Is this the part of this whole relationship thing or just simple pampering of your ego?” - Fenris asked and remained still while Anders finally moved from the doorway into the room and closer to him. 

“Both.”

“Stop grinning like a madman. I might change my opinion but this demands some work on your part.” - he allowed himself to grin as well but his was more feral than Anders’ could have even been.

“On my part? And you are criticizing me for an inflated ego? Maybe I exaggerated? Some people tell me I’m charming and can lie my way through anything.”

“Prove it then.”

“I will and I guarantee you the best night you had in your life!”

It wasn’t the best night in his life. Maybe the tenth best, but it was something and opened up an option of many better nights.


End file.
